www.o.d.

I believe that once upon a time back in October I had vowed to post something on this blog once a week. 

Then I experienced something I wasn’t expecting–an Internet Overdose.

I quite often remark how difficult it must have been to parent ‘back in the day’ or B.I. (Before Internet).  How did people remember what constitutes a fever before they could google it?  How about what symptoms needed to see a doctor immediately and which were benign?   What a different rashes look like and how serious they are.  How did they survive in such a time of limited information access?

My overdose has been brewing ever since a doctor first used to word “hypotonia” to describe my daughter’s muscle tone.  From that day on I googled and googled and found out all about countless rare, fatal diseases that left me terrified.  But I couldn’t stop.  I felt like since I had the information available, and every referral to a specialist comes with a months-long waiting list, that I HAD to keep searching and reading.

I joined message board to shar information with other moms and to gather more information myself.  I subscribed to countless free medical article websites, and developed a “favourites” list miles long. 

And then came H1N1 and the vaccine question–which you can see from my earlier posts I didn’t take lightly. 

And somewhere after I researched and decided NOT to get my daughter the 2nd dose of the vaccine, I reached my breaking point. 

Suddenly I just COULDN’T read anymore, process anymore, think anymore, or internet anymore.  I had a complete and total information overload.

And fortunately or unfortunately (depending on which way you look at it) I had a mental block every time I tried to sit down and google, or blog, or visit the message boards.  I was still able to facebook, and online shop, and other inane internet tasks, but otherwise I just couldn’t process anymore information. 

So now I’m beginning to covet those days of parenting before the internet–when every cough, rash, and fever didn’t bring up a whole list of rare, fatal diseases on google.   Sadly, there’s no going back.

“Finding the joy in every day”

Wow, if only my high school teachers could see me now.  10 years ago I was all dark clothes, rock music, cigarettes, and pessimism.  Now I am trying to operate under only the guiding principle of optimism.  I don’t think they’d recognize me. 

I have now found a mom who I look up to and would like to be more like.  A “hero” if you will.  And she seems like the type of person who wouldn’t think of herself as a hero or inspiration.  Just a regular mom. 

I’ve never actually met her.  But the first time I read her blog I bawled uncontrollably.  I happened upon it because it was listed on a poster at one of E’s music classes. 

Now whenever I need some inspiration, or when I start feeling down or overwhelmed (come on, even if it IS my guiding principle, no one can be ALL optimism ALL the time) I turn back to this blog and try to really read the words that she’s saying.

http://hendriksjourney.blogspot.com/

I think for some people it would be easy to read something like Harry’s blog and think “Wow, I’m sure glad that’s not me. I sure am lucky!” But that’s something I try my very best not to do.  Because you never know what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes.  May be better, may be worse, but either way I’m not able to judge.  Instead the thing I really take away from this blog is this mother’s sense of optimism, positivity, and amazing perspective.  I aspire to be more like her. 

Not to get all preachy, but personally, I feel incredibly lucky to consider myself an atheist.  Because no matter what happens, I DON’T have to operate under the guise that things happen for a reason.  I don’t have to search for the divine meaning in circumstances.  On the contrary, I think that it’s more likely that things happen for NO reason. 

And because that is the case I believe that I have a choice.  Since I believe (or maybe “think” is the better word here, or “am educatedly guessing”) that I only get this ONE life, I feel that I can make of my circumstances whatever I will.

I could live until I’m well into my 70s (yikes, I certainly hope I don’t, but that’s a blog for another day) or I could be on my way home from work today and get smoked by a semi.  I have no way of knowing what the future will hold. 

But today?  Well today is a great day.  I woke up this morning to see the gorgeous smiling faces of my daughter, my husband, and my dog.  (Yes, my dog was smiling too.)  I can’t control tomorrow, but I can control how I spend my today. 

A big thank you Harry’s mom for sharing her story.  It’s been a big inspiration to me :)

You have a choice, you can mope and be miserable or you can honour Harry and what he taught you and focus on the good things in life and finding the joy in every day

To H1N1 or Not to H1N1: part III

When I started blogging, I never envisioned that I’d be spending so much time discussing the H1N1 vaccine.  So this is to be my LAST post on the subject.  And I promise I will post something non-swine flu related in the next few days.

Well, I’ve made my decision, finally, on whether or not E and I will get the H1N1 vaccine.  And I wanted to post about it last night.  But I couldn’t.  I survived the 4 hour delay between the time I checked in at the clinic and the time I received my vaccine (thankfully only about 1 hour of that waiting was done IN the clinic.  I was able to leave and return.)   The needle itself was relatively painless.  After all, giving birth is still only a 19 month-old memory, so not much seems painful anymore. 

I decided to get the vaccine first without E, because I always knew it was something that I would do to protect her, whether she received the vax or not.  I have a friend who remarked that the H1N1 vaccine is the “worst” thing one could put in their body. 

Worst?  I highly doubt it.  One thing I know for a fact is all those cigarettes I smoked in my past WERE DEFINITELY CARCINOGENIC.  Yet I seemed to have little concern about putting them in my body. 

So I’m sorry, but I’m sure there’s many other things out there far worse things a person can put into her body. 

When I got home from receiving my shot, I remarked to T how funny it was that by left arm where I received the seasonal flu shot (I opted for both shots) was in much more pain than my right arm where I received the H1N1 shot.  I had heard that the swine-shot was much more painful. 

I decided to turn in for the night after a few too many pieces of pizza, a half glass of wine, and my Wednesday night corny sitcom block.  I laid down, and started to notice that now both arms were throbbing.  “Ah well,” I thought.  “How long can this last?” 

A few hours later, after trying desperately to find a comfortable position to lay in, I suddenly began to feel chills.   And nausea.  Then nausea turned to vomiting.   

So all day I’ve been trying to keep E entertained with Sesame Street and playing toys on her own (bad mommy!)  while I lay on the couch.  I even coerced her into 2 naps!  Every time the tylenol wears off I’m in PAIN!

But enough about my crappy vaccine experience.  After all, according to the literature from the Province I’m only one of about 0.1%-10% of people who receive the vaccine who will experience these symptoms.

After much back and forth, and all of the arguments FOR and AGAINST the vaccine that I listed in the past 2 posts, I finally had a few breakthroughs. 

The first occured when I finally went back to an old message board post that I had only glossed over in the past.   There was a link to an article that said that several of the children/teens who died in the US from H1N1 this year had neurodevelopmental disorders.

Now I don’t usually like to comment on E’s medical info very much because I don’t want that to define her and I don’t want people to judge her before meeting her.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  she is a very special girl!  And she does not have any sort of “diagnosis” either.  But what the doctors do know is that at this time she has both a neurodevelopmental delay and low muscle tone.  Neither one is a huge issue for us in everyday life.

But after reading that, I reviewed the information on the CDC website.  And it seemed as though most of the children also had additional medical concerns along with neurodevelopmental disorders, but there it was.  In the past I haven’t always agreed with E’s pediatricians demeanour, methods, attitude, or advice, he was really great when we had a very difficult experience with E in September.  So I decided to call him.

Like I thought he would say, she is at no increased risk for side-effects for the vaccine.  In fact, he would recommend that she receive it. 

And that makes sense.  After all, when she gets a cough, it stays forever.  It’s as though her low muscle tone prevents her from being able to “cough it out.”

So I have no way of knowing right now whether or not I have made the right decision for my daughter.  But what I DO know, is I haven’t taken it lightly.  There are risks either way, and I believe for my E the benefits of getting the vaccine outweigh the risks. 

I wish I could just keep her in a bubble for the rest of her life, but I can’t.   When we sedated her for her MRI, we knew that the potential benefits outweighed the risks of sedation.  (And this was NOT an easy decision to make, since they knocked her out with PROPOFOL a week after MJ died.)  I know that there are potential side-effects from a vaccine, but in her case we’ve got to try everything we can to keep her from getting a flu that won’t be able to leave her lungs. 

So, my daughter will be getting the full strength vaccine sometime in the next few days. And now, much to my husband’s relief, I will not utter the word H1N1 in this house again.

To H1N1 or Not to H1N1: part II

Just when I thought I had my decision all wrapped up with a neat little bow, I realized I was gathering all my information about the H1N1 vaccine from American sources.  Turns out, up here in Canada, we have a different vaccine altogether. 

So?  Well according to information I got from the Winnipeg Free Press, our Canadian vaccine contains an adjuvant:

Additives: The current vaccine contains an adjuvant, a compound that boosts the immune response to the vaccine and stretches supplies by using smaller doses per person. There’s currently no licensed seasonal flu vaccine containing adjuvant in Canada, although adjuvants have been used for years in Europe in flu vaccines targeted at seniors.

Unadjuvanted vaccines No data on the use of adjuvanted flu vaccines in either pregnant women or young children. The government has ordered 1.8 million doses of unadjuvanted vaccines for their use. The unadjuvanted products will be shipped separately from the ordinary vaccines; no word yet on when they will be available.

Hmmm.  So the vaccine we’re using here in Canada isn’t just a slight variation on the regular flu vaccine targeted to H1N1.  CBC says: 

…there’s little known about how a baby would react to an adjuvant, but there are no plans to use adjuvant-free vaccines on infants.

So some doctors and public health officials are pushing the federal government to make vaccine without adjuvant available to babies aged six to 18 months, at least until there is more research on whether it causes any side-effects in that age group.

“I wouldn’t want to rush into using the adjuvanted product without there having been a reasonable number of clinical trials in that age group,” said David Scheifele, a pediatric infection specialist and director of the vaccine evaluation centre at British Columbia’s Child and Family Research Institute.”

Great.  A whole new set of things to worry about, when I just felt like my world was all in order.  So what are we parents of young children (babies and toddlers if you will) supposed to do? 
There apparently IS the option of waiting for the non-adjuvanted vaccine.   According to another Winnipeg Free Press story:

Canada is buying 1.8 million doses of H1N1 vaccine it hopes people won’t want and won’t wait for.

The Public Health Agency of Canada urged pregnant women who are 20 weeks or more into their pregnancy and parents of children under three on Wednesday to take or to give their kids a swine flu shot containing an adjuvant, an additive that boosts the body’s response to the vaccine.

BUT that’s not what they’re recommending.  And there is the whole waiting period. 

Chief Public Health Officer Dr. David Butler-Jones urged people not to wait for the unadjuvanted alternative.”For under three (year olds) there will be some unadjuvanted (vaccine) as an option. But I wouldn’t wait for my grandchildren.,” Butler-Jones said in an interview with The Canadian Press.

He said the pandemic vaccine task group, an expert committee advising the Public Health Agency on vaccine issues, unanimously recommended that young kids be vaccinated with the adjuvanted vaccine. Adjuvanted vaccine seems to work better than plain vaccine in little kids, who have a developing immune system.

“The expert recommendation is that adjuvanted vaccine is the recommended formulation for this age group,” said Dr. Carolyn Pim, senior medical officer with the public health agency.

“However, if for a particular reason an individual does not want to have the adjuvanted vaccine for the children, it is considered an acceptable alternative – although the expert opinion at this point in time is that the immune response to an unadjuvanted vaccine may be poorer than to an adjuvanted vaccine.”

Canada originally intended only to purchase adjuvanted vaccine, but relented and placed an order for some vaccine without the additive. The move reflects the concern that pregnant women and parents of young children might forgo H1N1 vaccine entirely rather than use a product containing a new and unfamiliar compound.

Apparently this isn’t as easy as I had initially thought.  (And even THEN I thought it was complex.)  What am I going to do?  I have no idea anymore. 
Perhaps I’ll just ask T to read both parts of this blog, and make the call himself. 

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/life/health/Facts-about-vaccine-for-H1N1-flu.html

http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2009/09/17/h1n1-vaccine-babies.html

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/canada/breakingnews/Canada-buying-H1N1-vaccine-without-adjuvant_-hoping-people-don_t-wait-for-it.html

To H1N1, or not to H1N1?

I believe in vaccines.  Shhh.  Just don’t tell any of those “crunchy” moms I know.  

You might think me to be a bit of a “Mother Nature” type (as my pediatrician would say.)  T and I are vegetarian small-l liberals, who like our organics and natural products.  So you’d think it might fit for us to be anti-vax as well.  But I’m not.  My daughter has received all of her vaccinations to date.  I think it might stem from the fact that I’ve had the opportunity to work with several people whose lives were severely impacted by polio in the 50s.  I’d generally rather risk the potential outcomes of vaccines than for me and countless other people to lose their children to those very diseases we’re vaccinating against.  Because that’s what used to happen pre-vaccines.  People died from those diseases. 

But then out of the blue, when this whole H1N1 thing started, I began to feel nervous.  I’m all for vaccines, but when is it a matter of life and death, and when is it just a frivolous reaction to media hype? 

At first T and I decided we just weren’t going to buy into the hype surrounding H1N1, and would instead just take proper steps to protect ourselves and E.  We were going to wash our hands, eat our veggies, take our vitamins, and stay away from sick people. 

However:

• T is a teacher and as such he seems to bring home everything the children get.
• E had baby measels in August, followed by a bout of chicken pox this year (after being vaccinated) and her course of chicken pox was much milder than typical chicken pox. She also developed a brain infection post-virus, which lasted about 10 days. I wonder how much worse it could have been had she not been vaccinated?
• E attends her OT/PT right in the provincial children’s hospital–ground zero for treatment of ANY children from any part of our province (and a germ-factory if you ask me.) I try to keep her germ-free when we’re there, but I believe that is where she contracted the above. 

The thing that was really worrying me was how rushed the production of the vaccine seemed.   Then I decided to get informed and did a little digging online.  From what I could comprehend in my tiny non-scientific brain, each year the flu vaccine is nearly as “rushed” in order to deal with the anticipated flu strain of the season.  I gave E the annual flu shot last year without concern.  My brain is now telling me that this is the same thing–only this year’s flu shot is targeted to H1N1.   

I have been wrestling a lot lately with a desire to ‘get back to nature’ as much as I can.  And then I happened upon this in Today’s Parent magazine and it was just like a lightbulb appeared above my head: 

“‘But nudity is natural,’ my mother would say.  Well with all due respect to my mother, if nature had its way, all our teeth would fall out and we’d all die by age 30.” 

And if nature had it’s way, I wouldn’t have survived after my own birth, nevermind how I would have survived through Scarlet Fever as a child (yes, you can still get that) all the way up to how I would have survived through my skyrocketing blood pressure in pregnancy without the advent of modern medicine. 

I believe the bottom line is I have to make a choice, one that I feel strongly about, and one that I can stand behind the consequences of.  And I would certainly be more able to live with myself if my daughter were to be hurt by me trying to help prevent her from getting sick (receiving the vaccine) than by me fearing medical intervention (getting the flu shot.)
And if that still wasn’t enough to convince me, I saw this on the Daily Show (skip to 3:05):  http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart/full-episodes/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart—october-15-2009/#clip223053  (And no, I’m not sad to admit that I get my news from the Daily Show.) 

So I won’t be running out to re-stock my kitchen full of plastic containers or pesticide-laced foods, but I will admit that the “natural way” isn’t ALWAYS best no matter how much I romanticize the idea.

http://www.todaysparent.com/lifeasparent/parenting/article.jsp?content=20090724_104143_5644&page=2#02

One is the loneliest number…

I have always been baby crazy.  I have never passed a single baby in my life without an “Awww” escaping my lips.  So if you would have asked me before E was born, I never would have thought that I’d be the mother of an only child. 

But things change.  In our situation, I had a tough pregnancy, which may or may not have been tough on E too.  Only time will tell.  So in my mind, growing another child in my body and birthing it just isn’t the right fit for our family.
 

I mean, the best case scenario would involve me having a blissful pregnancy which results in the birth of another child who only increases the love and happiness we already feel in our family. 
 

And the worse case scenario?  I get pregnant, and give birth to a healthy baby, die in the process, and leave Big T with 2 babies I promised him I’d be around to take care of.  Tee hee, oops. 
 

For me and T, the cons outweigh the pros on this one, at least for the time being.  But we will never say never. 
 

So you’d think that’s enough, right?  We’ve weighed the pros and cons for our family, and decided that the best decision for us is to be thankful for the one child we have.  End of debate. 
 

Unfortunately, that’s not the case.  Everyone and her dog feels the need to express their displeasure for our decision.  “What do you MEAN you’re not having any other children!” or “Oh, just you wait until E is asking you for a little brother or sister.  Then you’ll change your mind.”  

People act like we are setting E up to have a lonely and miserable life.  That she will turn out to be some sort of maladjusted child. 

 

But probably the most ridiculous argument that I’ve heard over and over again against us parenting an only child is this:

“Well, what if–God forbid–something were to happen to her?  Then you’d be left with no children.”

So essentially what you people are telling me is I should regard creating a family like I do my tires–keeping a spare on hand just in case?   Excuse me, but I didn’t realize that I was a farmer’s wife circa 1912 who needed to churn out 15 children, half of whom would die, in order to still have enough kids left to work the land. 

And then, thankfully, I stumbled across an article in Chatelaine about the mother of Holly Jones, which only served to reinforce that I am making the right decision.  Holly was a 10 year old girl who was murdered in Toronto in 2003.  Reading Holly’s mother’s story makes me realize that having other children doesn’t take away from the pain of losing one.  In fact, it sometimes seems that it only heaps guilt on the parent for experiencing the grief, and pain on the remaining children as well.

 

Holly’s mother says, “what’s really gotten me through all this has been work.”  Really?  But no one’s been warning me that I shouldn’t have quit my job.  She also says, “I’m glad I went; otherwise I would have just sat in the yard and drank herbal tea after herbal tea until it was a decent hour to drink wine.”

I want to make this clear–I pass no judgment on Holly’s mother.  The reason I’m quoting her story is because I think I would probably react in much the same way.  And I just don’t understand how anyone could think that having other children would somehow make things easier.  I’m sorry, but if anything ever happens to my daughter, I’ll skip the herbal tea, and sit in the yard drinking wine at INDECENT hours.  I’ll be a smoking, drinking, crying mess, and I don’t think that’s something I really want to put another child through.

Interestingly enough, when I called up that story online, the 1st comment read, “Six years ago, we lost my brother at age 40.  My mother has said to me she will never be happy again and that breaks my heart.  She still has two daughters and grandchildren–how can she feel that way?”  Apparently for that woman’s mother, her other children didn’t offer her this magical consolation she was supposed to feel after the loss of her son. 

Another thing I heard recently came from the mother of another only child.  She seemed reluctant to believe that I really didn’t want any more kids, and said, “but you’re so MOTHERLY.” 

 

I plan to use these motherly skills to their fullest extent in some capacity, but I’m just not sure what that will be.  T and I would like to be foster parents in the future.  It’s a big decision to make, but I think rather than rolling the dice on bringing another life into the world, we could apply my “motherly” skills to some kids who are already here and who need them. 

 

But I’ll never say never
http://en.chatelaine.com/english/weekend/article.jsp?content=20090306_140412_3220

What IS normal?

I am somewhat embarassed to admit my ignorance, but I will confess:  I used to “feel sorry” for the parents of children with disabilities.  I thought it must be so difficult to wait 9 months for the birth of a child, who doesn’t turn out to be exactly as you expected. 

My daughter is wonderful.  She absolutely lights up my life.  She loves her Dada, her puppy, Elmo, and her grandma.  She has been an absolutely perfectly delightful joy since she was born and transitioned through every aspect in the first year of her life with barely so much as a hiccup.  She is learning how to give me kisses and when she says “Mama” I feel all warm inside.

There’s only one problem.  And even to call it a “problem” is so misleading.  At first, since my daughter was somewhat of a preemie (35 weeks) she was always allowed an extra month’s leeway by her pediatrician to reach any milestones.  And in the beginning they’re all so vague–especially now that all babies are back sleepers.  If they hate tummy time, they may end up hitting milestones later than others.  And my daughter hated tummy time.

But now we’re heading into “red flag” range. 

“Red flag” for what you ask?  Good question.  There seems to be a general list of “if your child hasn’t done such and such by this time there may be a PROBLEM.”  A…Developmental Delay.  Which the doctors’ way of saying, “Dunno.  Could be a problem, or she may just be different.  Too early to tell.” 

Not long ago on a weekend my husband and I were watching some March Madness games (why, when we don’t even watch ANY NBA games, nor have even a passing interest in basketball is a mystery to me, but I digress.)
There was a short piece before a game which detailed the stories of 2 highschool team managers–one who was a teen with Down Syndrome.  The mother of the teen said that shortly after the son’s birth her husband informed her that their son had Down Syndrome.  And she replied (I’m paraphrasing here) ‘So, is he going to die?  No?  Then let’s move on.’

The hardest part right now that I’m finding for me is figuring out what to say to other people–especially when we don’t really know if there is anything TO say.  Do I acknowledge the “delay” to others?  Bring it up first so they don’t tiptoe?  Ignore it so it’s minimized and not made into an issue? 

But if I minimize it, do people thing me ignorant or irresponsible?  Do they think I don’t notice?  Do they think I’m not reading the same “red flag” lists they are?  And WHAT should I say?  Delay?  Low tone?  We don’t know yet?  We’re working on it?  We’re “early intervening” if you will?  We’re having fun existing outside the realm of “normal”? 

It all seems so simple on paper, but in reality there is such a wide range of development between children.  More wide than most people have been lead to believe. 

I am not afraid of ability or disability.  I have been lucky enough in my life to meet lots of people with different disabilities.  In fact, I would probably venture to say that some of the most accomplished and successful people I’ve met in my life happen to have disabilities.  And lately one of the people who I seem to admire the most for their perception of the world is Dr. Temple Grandin.  Who is a person with Autism. 

And now I find myself wishing that I could go back in time and take back all the pitying glances I had for parents of children with disabilities.  Little did I know that those parents probably neither needed nor wanted my pity.  I would never be able to understand why anyone would pity ME.  Whether delays turn into disabilities or not, there is no reason for anyone to pity me.  I have the most gorgeous, delightful, lovely daughter a mom could ask for.

Some people start out with grand dreams for their children in utero:  doctor, lawyer, musician, professional athlete.  In my daughter’s baby book the only dream I ever wrote down was a dream that she would be happy in life.  So whatever happens, THAT’s the only goal we’re working towards.  And so far, I must say she IS one happy girl!  Different doesn’t have to be bad.  Different can be good too.  

And besides–what IS normal, anyway?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QohvLOqtvg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gf7BhM20zbk

No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus.

No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus.

Apparently I am setting out to ruin Christmas for my daughter.

That seems to be the consensus.  In fact, my husband has grown so tired of the criticism, he has made the subject taboo until next year.  After all, at 9 months, my daughter is too young for it to be an issue this year.

I am fairly certain that we won’t perpetuate the Santa myth in our household. 

I have decided to boil the Why down into a few concise points.  Then maybe next year I’ll email this to my grandmother when she gets on my case again.

Why No Santa?

1.  For the past number of years my husband and I have donated toys to the Christmas Cheer Board.  This is a tradition we plan to continue with our daughter.  This year I purchased the toys for her to donate, but in future years I hope that she will be involved in the process, and will choose toys that SHE would like to donate to other children.  The lesson will be that not everyone has enough money to buy toys at Christmas, but we can help spread the love (and money, and toys) around. 
Unfortunately, this just doesn’t jive with the whole Santa myth.  After all, Santa visits ALL the “good” girls and boys on Christmas Eve, right? 

2.  Which brings me to Number 2.  This may just be the “commie” in me coming out, but I absolutely HATE the idea that Santa visits the “good” children and leaves out the “bad.”  Oh really, Uncle Sam?  So what you are essentially saying is Good children get gifts and Bad children do not.  Therefore, people of a lower socio-economic strata must be “bad” otherwise they would have money to buy their children gifts.  Furthermore, what do you think that says to Little Johnny Empty-Stocking on Christmas morning?  Well Johnny, should’a been “good” rather than “bad” and Santa would have come. 

It’s ridiculous.  I don’t think my daughter will ever be too young to have capitalism spelled out for her in all it’s “glory.”  First lesson?  Things ain’t fair.  If money were doled out on the basis of deserving, Sean Avery would be broke.  

3.  My husband and I don’t believe in the OTHER grey-haired, bearded guy who “knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake” and lives in a fictional place “way up there” either.  So we’re being consistent.  
All that said, I DID sit my daughter on Santa’s knee and get a picture taken at the local mall this year.  Much to the delight of my grandmother. Hypocritical you say?  I disagree.  Regardless of whether or not we decide to perpetuate the myth, Santa is a cultural figure who will be impossible to escape.  We don’t have to pretend he’s real, but we can’t pretend he doesn’t “exist.” 

I have a friend who has said that she doesn’t confirm or deny the existence of Santa, rather just listens to what her children have to say on the subject and only writes “TO” on their Christmas gifts and omits the “FROM” line.  Maybe she has the secret? 

Alas, I probably still have nearly a year to sort this one out before next time.

What Not to Expect the First Year

I think that all copies of “What to Expect the First Year” should be burned. 

In fact, I advocate for the complete eradication of “milestone” lists altogether.  Along with postings by well-meaning parents of a vague list of “early warning signs” they encountered pre-diagnosis in their child with a disability. 

I don’t know exactly what it’s like to be a “normal” mom.  I only know what it’s like to be a mom with OCD.  For me, this means that I can sit in front of the computer for hours, toggling back and forth between webmd, wikipedia, and google, looking up endless lists of milestones and trying to figure out what it means if my daughter does or doesn’t do something. 

Now as a person who in the past has convinced myself that I had AIDS because I got a lot of colds (I didn’t, by the way, but did get 3 tests done just to be certain), and that I had sinus cancer which would eventually result in the loss of half of my face to be then covered by a prosthesis, all because I get frequent sinus infections, I clearly am a little more prone to obsess than most mothers.   

That said, I’ve also heard a lot of stories from my “normal” parent friends too about their irrational reactions to milestone lists.  Like the new mom who urgently brought her 5 week old daughter in to the pediatrician and said “I think my daughter may have autism because she hasn’t smiled yet.  Well, she MAY have smiled, or not, I wasn’t quite sure.”  To which the doctor replied, “Are you SERIOUS?”  Obviously she was sent home with no instructions other than CALM DOWN. 

And then I had a couple of moments of revelation recently that snapped me out of my constant list-reading and milestone obsessing.  The first occurred when a friend sent me this video:  

 

http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Balloons

 

It made me think about these parents and what they’d say to me if they had the chance.  It would probably consist mainly of a slap upside the head and a “Treat every moment as a blessing!” 

And the second occurred recently when I was reading my daughter her nightly bedtime story.  My favourite story to read to her is I Love You, Stinky Face.  A mother tells her son that she will always love him no matter what, and he tests her by asking a series of “What ifs.”  

But, Mama, but Mama, what if I were a swamp creature with slimy, smelly seaweed hanging from my body, and I couldn’t ever leave the swamp or I would die?

Then I would build a house right next to the swamp, and I would stay with you and take care of you always.  And when you splashed to the surface, I would say, ‘I love you, my slimy little swamp monster.

No matter what happens in the future, no matter what milestones she meets or doesn’t, I will always love my little girl. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I DO understand things like “early intervention” and such.  After all, isn’t “early intervention” behind all of the “first signs of Autism” lists?  But honestly, what sort of “early intervention” is available at 5 weeks for a baby who hasn’t smiled yet?  Or even a 6 month old with a vague collection of milestone question marks? 

I think there should be a standardized list of realistic “red flags”, which would be things that could indicate a serious medical and/or interventionable problem that would need to be seen by a pediatrician prior to the next “well-baby” appointment.  These should be taught to new parents by the pediatrician.  Other than that I advocate a rebellion against milestone lists.  After all, any responsible parent should be seeing a doctor every couple of months anyhow, at which time the DOCTOR will determine whether or not there is a problem and whether or not intervention is necessary.  I mean if you’re really not responsible enough to bring your baby to regular check ups, are you really going to be the parent who is reading up on milestone lists anyhow? 

Other than reassuring a few parents out there that their babies are “normal” or “above normal” most milestone lists are just junk.  More often, I’m sure they probably cause more grief for mothers whose babies don’t fit exactly within all the milestone perameters.  

I once read the following on some random message board one day while obsessing about some milestone I can’t even remember.  In speaking about these types of books and lists, it revealed the hidden message they contain within:  All babies are different.  Some babies are just MORE different than others. 

And you know what?  As much as I like to blog, if I were to find out that there was something “wrong” with my daughter, the last thing I would ever do is post a list of vague symptoms that in retrospect I (sans medical degree) think may have been early warning signs, but that if my daughter were to turn out “normal” I would barely even remember.  Why?  For the simple fact that there are new mothers out there–with OCD and without–who are being absolutely bombarded with information–including countless milestone and red-flag lists–at every turn and who do not need my baseless information even if I do mean well.  

So now I have tossed my milestone books, and try my best to steer myself away from any googling of milestones (without much luck, but I try.)  Instead I am directing myself to focus each day on celebrating one new thing that my daughter is doing.  She is growing and changing and learning so fast every day–regardless of where she fits on any standardized milestone chart.   

Carpe Diem! 

The Babysitter

I must admit that I was wrong. 

I used to think that a particular mother I know was over-protective of her son.  I remember when the son was 2, and I was so offended that she would not let me babysit.  Why ever wouldn’t she leave him with a 19 year old me and my boyfriend in our grungy apartment where we clearly had no time for household chores like washing the dishes or taking out the garbage because we were preoccupied with all the smoking and drinking?  An apartment that had a balcony, baseboard heaters, and any number of unsecured baby hazards?

About a week ago I left my daughter with my mother while I went to a doctor’s appointment.  I was gone for a total of an hour and a half.  While I was driving away from the house, the sense of panic began to set in.  I’m a new mom–my daughter is only 3 months old right now–so I’m really anxious to leave her with anyone.  Even my mother.  Then I really thought about it, and realized that she’s probably in more capable hands with my mother than she is with me.  While I didn’t really turn out SPECTACULAR, my mother did manage to keep myself AND both of my brothers alive and relatively unharmed.  She’s dealt with many situations that could arise when caring for a baby.  So for an hour and a half, my mother is probably an okay choice as a babysitter.  

I wouldn’t lend my car to a random neighbourhood teenager.  No matter how many cars they’ve driven before.  Even if they have a driver’s license.  And even if their parents tell me they are really “responsible.”  Why not?  Well I worked really hard to pay for my car (okay, so my husband worked really hard for that car.)  To me it’s not just A car, it’s MY car.  Just because the law says you are old enough to be able to drive A car, doesn’t mean you are old enough to drive MY car. 

So if that’s true why in the hell would I entrust my daughter who, just to clarify, is FAR more important to me than my car, to a random neighbourhood teenager?  A 15 year old may legally be old enough to look after a baby.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to leave my baby with one. 

Now I’m not saying that it’s impossible for a teenager to be a better parent than I am.  Nor am I saying that it’s impossible for a teenager to be a better driver than I am.  I am sure there are better teenaged parents than I, and I know for a fact that there are better teenaged drivers than I.  But as a general rule, when selecting a babysitter for my daughter, I would feel most comfortable choosing someone whose decision-making capability is considered to be fully formed. 

Now that I’m a mother, I believe that my foremost responsibility is to ensure my daughter’s safety.  If that’s the case, then why would I leave her with just anyone? 

The best case scenario when hiring a teenaged babysitter is that the teenager will not raid the liquor cabinet, not have her boyfriend over when the baby goes to bed, not talk on the phone all night long, and will give her undivided attention to my pride and joy.  I’ll be able to go out and enjoy an evening on the town with my husband.  That’s a relatively mediocre best case scenario if you ask me–especially if you consider all those worst case scenario possibilities.

So now I have stopped wondering what was wrong with that mother who didn’t let me babysit, and wondering what the hell was wrong with the mothers who did. 

Call me over-protective if you want.  I’m starting to realize that there are far worse things I could be.